Delay discussion until you are calmer
If you feel that your anger is at a level where it is difficult to control your words and tone, chose to deal with the issue at another time. You can say, “I don’t want to discuss the issue right now” and make arrangements to have the discussion at another time.
Actively reduce stress and anger
Take steps to calm yourself through relaxation, exercise, or discussion and develop a plan of action for addressing the problem.
What’s it all about and what do you want?
Analyze what the sources of your anger are – why has this situation triggered such a strong anger response? This can be accomplished through personal reflection, by talking with a trusted friend or an Employee and Family Assistance Program Counselor (EFAP) about the situation.
Before talking to the other person(s) in the conflict, ask yourself,
“What exactly is bothering me?
What do I want the other person to do or not do?
Are my feelings in proportion to the issue?” xii
Spend some time thinking about the conflict and what your goal is in having the dialogue with the other person. The clearer we are regarding our intentions, the more likely we are to achieve the desired result.
General wellness has an impact
Physical fatigue, pain, alcohol, drugs or other recent stresses can lower your anger threshold. Don’t engage in difficult conversations at such times.
Know yourself
We all have sensitivities, based on past experience, which can make us more likely to get angry when faced with certain situations. The anger may not be warranted by the current situation but be a response triggered by past experience.
Consider whether you have a problem managing anger
If you generally have a problem managing your anger in appropriate ways, acknowledge the problem. Acknowledging the problem becomes the first step in solving it through self-reflection, discussion with trusted others, enrolment in an anger management course or assistance from an EFAP Counselor.
Examining “self-talk” is essential
Consider the idea that your perception of the event, person, or situation is creating the feeling of anger. While it can be difficult to accept, psychologists tell us:
“our thoughts cause our anger” xiii
For example, two people are stuck in their car in city traffic on their way home. One person fumes at the delay and questions why they have to put up with this while the other is listening to music and accepting the delay as a normal circumstance when you live in or near a large city.
The difference between the two people is in what they are telling themselves about the situation. To deal with angry feelings it is useful to examine what we are telling ourselves about the conflict or the other person.
Our “self-talk”, what we tell ourselves, has a powerful impact on our feelings and responses. Our “self-talk” is not always rational or in our best interest. Learning to examine our own thought processes and reactions is a powerful tool in managing anger.
Ask for help if needed
If after reflecting on the situation you find that you may not be able to discuss the issues without blame and accusations, it is recommended that you consider having a neutral person to assist. The expression of blame and negative judgments usually lead to more conflict. Assistance with conflict and anger management is needed.
Take steps to solve the problem
Suppression of our angry feelings, while sometimes necessary in the short term to avoid reacting in an aggressive and defensive manner, is not a healthy alternative in the long term. Addressing the problem directly in a calm manner, using effective communication skills is what will, in the end, resolve angry feelings.
