This Is the Only List of Jokes for Kids You'll Ever Need (2023)

What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here — I'll go on ahead!

Why don't the circus lions eat the clowns?
Because they taste funny!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"Aye matey."

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
They were going through a stage!

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

Why are peppers the best at archery?
Because they habanero!

What did the duck say after she bought chapstick?
Put it on my bill!

Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned!

Why couldn't the skeleton go to school?
His heart just wasn’t in it.

What did the termite say when it walked into a bar?
"Where's the bar tender?"

Why can’t you send a duck to space?
Because the bill would be astronomical!

What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
He puts his PJ-Amazon!

What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?
They gave him a tough sentence!

What did the mama cow say to the calf?
It’s pasture bedtime!

How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern!

What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast!

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One of them looks to the other and says, "Phew, it's getting hot in here!" The other looks back and says, "Ack! A talking muffin!"

What kind of cat likes living in water?
An octo-puss.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.

What do you call a cow that can't make milk?
An udder failure — a milk dud.

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies!

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What kind of dog does a magician have?
A Labracadabrador!

Where do cows go on Friday nights?
They go to the moo-vies!

Why couldn't the pony sing “Happy Birthday?”
Because she was just a little hoarse!

How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles!

How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away its credit card!

Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted!

How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut!

What is the difference between a cat that took a nap on the Xerox machine and a cat that imitates everything you do?
One is a cat copy, and the other is a copy cat.

How do young bees get to school?
They take the school buzz!

What do frogs order at fast-food restaurants?
French flies!

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!

What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
An investigator!

Why is a snake difficult to fool?
You can’t pull its leg!

What kind of socks do grizzlies wear?
None, they have bear feet!

What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?
"Ruff!"

What's a cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse!

What fish only swims at night?
Starfish!

What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricera-bottom!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weirdo.
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you’re going?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Venice.
Venice who?
Venice your family coming home?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weekend.
Weekend who?
Weekend do anything we want!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, I’ve been knocking forever!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel not working?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM SO YOU CAN HEAR ME!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy you in there!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to let me in?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you asking so many questions for, just open up!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go, “Toot toot, vroom, vroom!”

Knock, knock.
Who there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Know a place I can spend the night?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Onion.
Onion who?
Onion mark, get set, go!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cereal.
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to be invited over!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupt—
MOO!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owls go.
Owls go who?
That’s right!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Toodle
Toodle who?
Toodle-loo!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
Okay, W-H-O!

How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.

What's a turnip's favorite soda?
Root beer!

What happened when the cheese shop exploded?
Da brie was everywhere!

What’s a piece of bread’s least favorite chore?
Doing a loaf of laundry.

What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you!

What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry!

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!

What did the pizza say to the topping?
I never sau-sage a pretty face!

Which vegetable do sailors hate the most?
Leeks!

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese!

Why did the cookie go to the nurse?
Because he felt crummy!

What kind of room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom!

What kind of key opens a banana?
A mon-key!

What happens when a grape gets run over crossing the street?
A traffic jam!

What kind of fruit do scarecrows love the most?
Straw-berries!

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because it was on a roll

How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down a hill!

What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off!

Where does fruit go on vacation?
Pear-is!

Why did the melons choose not to get married?
Because they cantaloupe!

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
Yellow!

What did one dried fruit say when another asked it to the movies?
It's a date!

Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs!

What does a cow call an earthquake?
A milkshake!

Why did the man go to the yogurt museum?
To get a little culture!

Why couldn't the sesame seed climb up the hill?
Because it was on a roll!

Why can't you trust tacos?
Because they always spill the beans!

Why is the obtuse triangle always frustrated?
Because it’s never right!

Why do plants hate math?
Because it's full of square roots!

What do you call people who really like tractors?
Protractors!

How come no one picks statistics as their favorite subject?
It’s just average.

Why did two 4s skip dinner?
Because they already 8!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

What did the triangle feel sorry for the circle?
Because it’s pointless!

Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems!

Did you hear about the rancher who had 97 cows in his field?When he rounded them up, he had 100!

Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
Because his parents wouldn’t cosine!

What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?
A roamin’ numeral!

Why should you never trust someone writing on graph paper?
Because they must be plotting something!

What do you call two guys who love math?
Algebros!

What do you get when you divide a Jack o' lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi!

Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal?
Because it would have to convert!

Why was the triangle the MVP of the basketball team?
It always made three-pointers!

What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathema-chicken!

What did the 90° angle say after an argument?
"It turns out, I was right!"

What tool do mathematicians use most?
Multi-pliers!

Why did the student get upset when their teacher called them average?
It was a mean thing to say!

If a math teacher had four apples in one hand and five apples in the other hand, what would they have altogether?
Really big hands!

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9!

Why should you never start a conversation with pi?
It'll just go on forever!

What is a bird’s favorite type of math?
OWL-gebra!

Why do teenagers travel in groups of threes and fives?
Because they can’t even!

Did you hear about the the circle that kept going to school?
It has 360°!

Where would you be most likely to find an elephant?
The same place you lost one!

Why did the football coach yell at the vending machine?
They wanted their quarter back!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why did the robber take a bath before he left the scene of the crime?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
It smells like carrots over here!

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!

Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly!

What do you call a huge pile of cats?
A meow-ntain!

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish!

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball!

What does a rain cloud wear under its clothes?
Thunderwear!

Why do vampires seem sick all the time?
Because they’re always coffin!

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying?
You rocket!

What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip!

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
They just needed a little space.

Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web!

What are mummies' favorite lunches?
Wraps!

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side!

Why are mountains so funny?
They're just hill areas!

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it would be a piece of cake!

What is the Easter bunny’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop!

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they ever said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watchdogs!

Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades!

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe!

What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!

What did the teacher say when a book fell on their head?
I have only my shelf to blame.

What kind of tree can fit in one hand?
A palm tree!

How do they keep the basketball arena cool?
They fill it with fans!

What does a book do to keep warm in the winter?
It puts on a jacket!

What did the lightbulb say to its sweetheart?
I wuv you a watt!

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish!

What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Why did the picture go to prison?
Because it was framed!

Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they’re two-tired!

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
A bagel!

What does the ocean do when it sees its friends?
It waves!

What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?
A cocker-poodle boo!

What is a tornado’s favorite game to play?
Twister

How did the students feel when they learned about electricity?
Totally shocked!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one!

Why was the broom late?
It over-swept!

What did the paper say to the pencil?
Write on!

What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!

Where do sailboats go when they're sick?
To the dock!

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!

What do you do when a lemon gets sick?
You give it lemon-aid!

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis!

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
By its bark!

What do astronauts do before throwing a party?
They planet!

What kind of water can’t freeze?
Hot water!

Why do we put candles on top of birthday cakes?
Because it's hard to light them from the bottom!

Why didn't the shopper buy the camo pants they wanted?
They couldn't find any!

What did the family say when they lost 25% of their roof?
Oof.

Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on many levels!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

What do you call a bear with no ears?
A “B!”

What do pirates pay for corn?
A buck an ear!

Which hand is it better to write with?
Neither, it’s better to write with a pencil!

What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh!

Why are balloons so expensive?
Inflation!

What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can’t jump!

Why can't you trust atoms?
They make up everything!

Did you hear about the woman whose left side was cut off?
She's all right now.

Why did it take so long for a man to eat a clock?
It was very time-consuming.

What’s the one thing will you get every year on your birthday, guaranteed?
A year older!

Did you hear about the unemployed personal trainer?
They gave their too-weak notice!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Why was the calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize!

Why can’t a hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
Because they make no cents!

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house!

How is it that I only know 25 letters of the alphabet?
I just don't know y!

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!

What has two legs but can't walk?
A pair of pants!

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school!

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!

Where do pencils come from?
Pennsylvania!

What did the cat say when it fell down the stairs?
Me-ow!

Why can't you tell a joke to an egg?
It might crack up!

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!

How can you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

What did the buffalo say when his little boy left for school?
Bison!

What animal can you always find at a baseball game?
A bat!

Why did the boy throw a stick of butter out the window?
Because he wanted to see a butterfly!

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
"Where is Pop Corn?"

What do you call a train with a cold?
A-choo choo train!

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!

How did the barber win the race?
They knew a short cut!

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop!

Where do elephants pack their clothes?
In their trunks!

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!

What do you call a duck that gets straight-As?
A wise quacker!

Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Because they have smelly feet!

What did the cop say to their tummy?
You're under a vest!

Why did the teddy bear not ask for dessert?
Because he was already so stuffed!

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!

What's a witch's favorite school subject?
Spelling!

How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words!

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop!

What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don’t take me for granite!

What did the meteorologist say when they tried to catch fog in their hands?
"I mist."

What has four arms, four legs and four eyes?
Four pirates.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears glasses?
Tyrannosaurus Specs

What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards?
A receding hare-line!

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between us, something smells!

What did the sink say to the toilet?
Wow, you look really flushed!

What gets wetter the more that it dries?
A towel!

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Look away, I’m about to change!

What can you catch, but never throw?
A cold!

What has more letters than the alphabet?
The post office!

What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!

What's black and white and red all over?
A sunburned zebra!

What did the snail say when it rode on the turtle's back?
Wheeeee!

Did you hear about the kid who drank eight sodas?
He burped 7-Up!

Why did the cell phone get glasses?
Because it lost all its contacts.

What runs around a baseball field but never moves?
A fence!

What is brown and hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!

What did the apple say to the worm?
Nothing, apples can't talk!

What musical instrument can you find in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste!

What do you call a dinosaur with bad vision?
A Do-you-think-he-sarus!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

Which dinosaur has the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus!

What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers!